Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
