are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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