I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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