I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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