The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
