I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
