john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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