she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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