Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize