Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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