were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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