how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
