I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
