The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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