Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
