Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
one might say we're banned from that church
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
