I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
