The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
