Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
