worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize