Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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