if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
