I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
