Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
