This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
