seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize