You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
