broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
