alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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