We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
