dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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