I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
