my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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