Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
