I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
