I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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