dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
