if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
