then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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