he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Sorry about my life...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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