I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize