I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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