found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
