Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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