One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
