I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
