You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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