So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
