In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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