Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
