I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
