I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
