I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
