My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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