hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Threesome in a minivan. New low
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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