What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
