Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
