I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
