I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
cat food counts as protein by the way
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
