broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
